My favorite ex boyfriend

I am still very close friends with someone I like to refer to as “my favorite ex boyfriend.” At some point, we may get into the detail of our long journey but today I wanted to tell a little story about one of my most embarrassing dates ever. This is something we still laugh about to this day. And, why he dated me after that shows his deep and concerning lapse in judgement.

I met my favorite ex boyfriend when I was working in a medical clinic. He was my patient. Yes, I am so scandalous and I love it. I was totally the aggressor and I hooked my little claws into that poor child (he is 4 years younger than me). He did not know what was about to hit him.

Our first date went pretty typically. We went to the beach too “hang out” and my plan was to fuck him and then never talk to him again. He was just a kid. I needed to get laid and he was just the guy to do it. So, we went on our beach date, drank heavily, had a good time, and then I fucked him just like I planned. Surprisingly, he was actually really cool. I thought he was just a typical young douche but he was pretty great. I never expected to see him again nonetheless.

Oddly, he asked me on a second date. I decided where I wanted to go. I planned the whole thing out. I wanted to go to the Swapmeet. If you are from California, you know what that is. For all of you that have never been to a Swapmeet, it is a flea market but enormous and generally at a fairground. You are asking yourself why in the fuck would I want to go on a date to the Swapmeet. Well, this is a fantastic question. Obviously I am a trashbag, duh. But, it is the most amazing place on earth. You can walk around drinking beer on a Sunday morning, perusing local vendors and buying shit you have no need for. I have come home with a purse made of seatbelts. Who doesn’t need a purse made of seatbelts? My favorite thing to do was buy $50 worth of fresh beef jerky. No joke. I love beef jerky. So, he was young and dumb and agreed to my date because he is just as trashy as me. I was thrilled. No guys ever wanted to go to the Swapmeet with me. Yes, I had asked more than one guy to go with me.

That Sunday morning I woke up early. I had to look exceptional for our classy date. I wanted him to see that I take pride in how I look on Swapmeet dates so I could drag him back there in the future. I spent hours getting ready. I wore a black tight skirt, some sort of tight tank top that showed a fair amount of cleavage, and some fancy sandal from Target. I accessorized it with my trusty Gucci sunglasses because God only knows, I was planning on getting nice and drunk and it was going to be brighter than my future outside.

I anxiously waited around for him to let me know he was outside to pick me up. Finally, I got that much anticipate text. I gave myself one more glance in the mirror to make sure I was just as hot as I remembered and then I was out the door. He was outside the car waiting for me with the door open. Such a gentleman! Mind you, it was Sunday morning and all of my neighbors were outside. They were familiar with my dating habits and I knew that judgement was being passed. So, I waved to Dave across the street that was outside working on his truck. And I waved to Jesus and Juanita that were working in their garden. They were not going to shit on my parade that day. I spent too much time perfecting this date.

I got to the car and I start putting my purse in the backseat and my Sugar Free Monster in the cup holder. As my favorite ex boyfriend was staring at me while I take my time getting in his car, I finally stepped one foot in the car. The rest of what happens is still unclear. Somehow, I misjudged the distance and fell straight sideways wedging my body between the curb and the car. I hit the ground so hard that my sunglasses flew off my face into the middle of the street. Stunned by the disaster that just happened, I popped right back up, mortified, with him in shock staring at me. Not only did I wedge myself sideways between my date’s car and the curb, but every neighbor I had got to witness it. My favorite ex boyfriend retrieved my sunglasses from the street, still not saying a word. We both quietly got into the car and made our way to the Swapmeet. I had to break the ice at this point because if I didn’t, it would only make me more uncomfortable. I am awkward when I am not uncomfortable so it would turn real sour quickly if I didn’t speak. I racked my brain for something witty to say. There was nothing fucking witty to say. I just fell down on my second date and I wasn’t even drinking! That only happens to me. I have never heard anyone else tell that story. It is unheard of. So, I decided to not be witty and just speak. I said “I am surprised you didn’t laugh at me.” His response was that he was pretty certain I would have gotten a concussion from the fall and didn’t want to be that big of an asshole. He thought he was going to have to render first-aid.

Needless to say, we made it to the Swapmeet. I proceeded to drink past my sorrows and buy copious amounts of beef jerky to make the sting of embarrassment go away. Why he went on another date after that is still a mystery.

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