I am the boss of me

I recently got duped. I duped me. I can’t even pretend like this wasn’t my fault. Every so often I do this to myself. I think I am really headed in the right direction with my maturity and then I do something that makes me really question how I have gotten so far in life. Natural selection should have taken me out years ago.

About a month ago Apple came out with the new IPhone. Did I need a new phone? No. Did I want one? Yes. Typically I don’t care about fancy shit. My last IPhone was doing just fine. A mild amount of water in the ear piece but I just had to cover the other ear to hear. No big deal. Well, I really wanted this new phone. I am a business woman now doing big girl shit. I really wanted it for the camera to build my portfolio. Portfolio of what? Not sure. But, I needed this phone.

I checked with my provider and I was not eligible for an upgrade. I paid the penalty and proceeded to get my new phone online. It was sold out in stores across the state. I felt like a kid waiting for Christmas. A day or two later I received an email stating that they were not sending me my phone because they could not verify who I was. They can always seem to verify who I am when they take money from me but suddenly I am a stranger when they need to ship me a phone.

I did what I did not want to do. I called them. I hate calling companies for this sort of thing. I have no patience and I often get spicy with the people ruining my day on the phone. But, I was being a big girl and I called them. The first call I made, the girl said she still wasn’t sending me the phone and they would issue a refund. I was angry at this point. They wasted a week of my life with these shenanigans.

A few days later the money still wasn’t returned to my account. So, I had to call them again. I had to get myself into the appropriate state of mind for this call. After a few adult beverages I was ready to call. This time I got a very nice young fella. I explained my money wasn’t back in my account and he began to look at it for me. I was a few cocktails deep at this point but was really trying to not be a C word. I blurted something out to the guy very calmly. I said “Hey man, tell me the truth. They ran out of phones didn’t they? And now I can’t get mine.” He laughed and said no. What happened next was what I like to call Salesmanship 101.

My new friend from AT&T then asked me the million dollar question… “Do you still want the phone?” He made it seem like he had one phone left that he had been hiding under his desk and it was my lucky day. I immediately said yes. He began processing the order when he started to pull the wool over my eyes. He offered to add a second phone onto my account. I immediately said no. I wasn’t really listening to what he was saying but I knew I didn’t want whatever bullshit he was trying to sell.

Then the game changer. He used the words “buy one get one free.” My ears immediately perked up and I asked what I got for free. One thing I am is a cheap bitch. He explained to me that if I add a second line I would get this brand new $1300 IPhone for free. I didn’t even listen to the rest. I said yes. Sign me up. That is a bargain. It would only end up costing less than $20 extra a month. I waste $20 on all sorts of shit I don’t need so I can certainly spend it on a phone. He continued to woo me with his charm and I felt great after that call. I could picture myself talking on my new second IPhone for my important business calls. I was instantly going to be successful in life with this phone.

The next morning when the booze wore off, I realized what I had just done. I ordered two phones just because it was a BOGO event. Some people may think that is no big deal. But, riddle me this; if I am using my new business IPhone why would I need a personal IPhone. I literally only get work calls. I get about three personal calls a month. So, I am supposed to carry around two big ass phones waiting to see who would be contacting me on each phone?? The answer is, NOBODY is going to be calling. That little motherfucker knew exactly what my weaknesses were and he exploited them.

I started to panic a little. What the fuck did I do? Who am I? I am not a cool person who uses their phone for things other than watching YouTube videos. I guess I can watch two different YouTube’s at the same time now with my two different phones. I started exploring what else I could do with this unnecessary brick of a phone. Then I became hopeful. This is the answer. Have someone else take over the phone. I remember being on the phone with the salesman thinking of how great it would be to have someone on my family plan. The problem with this is that I DON’T HAVE A FUCKING FAMILY. I am one human. I am not married. Maybe this is the occasion where I should adopt a child just to give them this phone so I don’t have to be taunted by my lack of family.

I started to question my self-worth. What kind of adult doesn’t have someone to join their family plan? What a loser I am. Now I have to be reminded about what a disappointment I am every time I see that damn second phone.

I remembered hearing that there was a grace period. After 10 days of looking at the unopened IPhone box, I called AT&T. I was just going to tell them I made a mistake. I have nobody to be a family with. I was confident and knew just how to handle it. As I was explaining the situation to the girl on the phone, she really understood where I was coming from. I felt like we were going to be lifelong friends. She even lowered my phone bill by $5 a month because she saw some “extra discount” I should be getting. As we were about to cancel the phone so I could send this reminder of my inadequacies back, she whispered softly “It ends up only being $12 extra a month.” Well, fuck AT&T. Thanks a lot. Needless to say, the second phone is still in the box in my living room inactivated. Well played.





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