I have a really good friend that got me a gift recently. Not only is she my neighbor but also my coworker. She is married to my childhood friend who is more like a brother. Her house is always clean. She has a baby. She makes handmade baby food. She doesn’t drink. She eats Quinoa. She is all the things you want to be when you think of adulting.
Recently, I was talking to her about coffee. I quit the juice years ago. It gave me anxiety all day because I am fucking old. But, after several years of conditioning my body to accept excessive amounts of harmful and non-harmful substances into it, I decided to buy some really mild instant coffee. I wanted to start small so I could get ready for my big come back. I am not trying to call EMS because I drank some shitty Folgers, ya know?
Now, I used to be a real coffee drinker. It was my favorite part of my day. I loved buying expensive coffee and different creamers. I took that shit seriously until my body failed me like it often does after the age of 25. A couple of cocktails these days leads to a 3 day hangover. Your feet swell after standing all day. Your knees pop when you get out of bed. You need a good supportive mattress and bra. But, I felt ready to abuse my body again with some coffee against my better, non-existent judgement.
During my coffee chit chat with my friend, I was reminiscing on my deep love for the magic juice. Well, she went out and bought me a French press. She is the type of adult that does nice things. I am pretty selfish and only like to do nice things for myself. Don’t get me wrong, I am very sweet and caring but I never think to buy things for people. I will buy a gift card as a “thank you” or a bottle of booze but I don’t go out and buy French presses. Who thinks like that? Adults.
I am sure you are wondering why don’t I own a coffee pot. Great question. I live in New Orleans. These houses are centuries old. It’s a tropical fucking swamp down here and with that it brings tropical bugs the size of your hand that fly and harass you. Not to mention, a coffee pot has a high probability of growing mold on it overnight. I am not trying to have a moldy, roach infested coffee pot ruin my morning. So, I never bought one. Instead, I bought instant coffee.
My friend dropped off my new press earlier this week and I was so excited. I knew that trying it out mid-week could by risky. Will I have heart palpitations? Will I have coffee induced anxiety? Who knows? So, I waited till my one half day off… This morning. Today was the day I had been waiting for!!
I knew there would be some preparation going into this new device. I had to buy coffee, creamer, learn how to use it. It was going to be an experience of a lifetime and I was ready. So, I gathered all my supplies last night at the local expensive, fancy, hipster grocery store on my way home from work. I even watched a YouTube video on how to use this thing. It was 10 fucking minutes long. 10!! I wasn’t aware that there were enough steps to warrant a 10 minute video but I watched it and memorized the steps. I was not about to screw this up.
I woke up this morning with sheer excitement. I was ready to be a big kid. I started letting my ungrateful dogs out to go potty while I started the process. All the while trying to recall each step from the video. First step was rinsing off the press so I don’t die from some sort of deadly strain of the Flu virus. Next, I had to heat up the water. They showed some sort of barista water heating machine. I don’t have that. If I owned that, I wouldn’t be using a French press. They also said you can use a tea kettle… duh. Do I look like I own a kettle? I don’t dine with Queen Elizabeth. I drink beer and eat microwave dinners. So, naturally I used a Tupperware container to microwave the water to acceptable piping hot temperatures. We all remember the glass bowl dilemma from a few weeks ago. I was not trying to repeat those tragedies.
While I waited for the water to heat, I washed my mug since it has been sitting on the shelf for a year and smells like a crusty fart. As previously stated, all of my daily beverages are consumed from the can so I have no need for glassware.
I scooped out copious amounts of grinds into the press and then wetted them like the video stated. Now, why was this important? Who the hell knows. Useless step really. Then I added the water and put the top doodad on it. It said to leave it for several minutes and then plunge down twice. I waited 30 seconds and plunged down excessively to make sure that bitch was all mixed together. I let it steep for a good few minutes and poured it into my cup. I added some creamer and had my first sip of real coffee in over 5 years. It was everything I had remembered plus some coffee grinds from the excessive plunging because I am an overdoer by nature. My life felt complete.
My adulting confidence today is at a 10. I am laying on my kitchen floor in my pajamas at noon but I feel accomplished. I’ve got this shit.