I have always been the type of person that has very little patience for dumb shit. It is built into my being. It makes me strong and powerful and also an asshole. But, every so often extraordinary dumb shit happens that makes me question what is really going on in this adult world.
I recently took a trip to a place that I despise. I went to the Doctors office. It had been a good solid 5 years since I had my lady parts examined and I was sure I had to have gotten Cancer at this point just based on the fact that I hadn’t been screened in half a decade.
***Just a little reminder that I worked in the medical field for half of my life, so I do have a biased opinion. I actually always have a biased opinion about any subject, but that is neither here nor there.
So, there I was in the waiting room on the day of the appointment. Here in New Orleans, regardless of your insurance status you most likely will be going to be seen in what I refer to as, a clinic. They generally have sliding fee scales and see patients of all financial backgrounds. With that said, this means that you have very long waits and the appointments feel rushed and get just plain weird. It is not all the clinics fault, in fact I see it more on a statewide Government scale.
As I sat in the waiting room next to the patients waiting to get their Suboxone, (no judgement from me because I worked in a Methadone clinic) I thought of all my answers I would give to the questions that were about to be asked. Any woman in America, and probably every other Country, knows that judgement will be passed during these appointments. As you get older, you think they will judge you less but this is false.
So, the nurse called me back and made me give a urine sample…. To test me for drug use. I know what you are thinking, but I passed. From there I was put in the room so that I could be grilled. I felt prepared. I had went over my answers in my head dozens of times. She started with easy questions like how old am I, where do you live, do I use needles and have threesomes? But, then it got tricky. How much alcohol do you consume a week? I always say I am a social drinker. This really means I drink alone at home mostly, but do frequent local dive bars.
From there it went downhill. Do I exercise, not lately. How is my diet, inconsistent. Am I a virgin? Wait, what? I am 33 years old. I saw her scanning my hands for a wedding ring. Then she asked me my maiden name, which is the same as my current last name because I AM NOT FUCKING MARRIED. So, she assumed I am divorced. Still NO. I could slowly feel my morale dropping with each question.
She moved on to my sexual health history. She asked if I was sexually active. This is a trick question every time. You can never answer it correctly regardless of your age. So, I said “not really.” That is never an answer that satisfies them. I then had to breakdown the fact that although I am stunningly beautiful with a shitty personality, I don’t have any male suitors. It really is one of the only times you can be made to feel like a whore and unfuckable all in the same moment.
We then moved on to my method of birth control. She asked how I am preventing pregnancy and I told her that I am not. This almost enrages people in the medical community. How irresponsible of me!! What am I, the fucking Virgin Mary?? Am I going to pop out a baby in a Louisiana barn next to a goat and then be visited by 3 wise men? Not likely. I then had to reiterate the fact that I am not getting laid. Trust me, it’s just as shocking for me. I consider myself to be prime real estate.
After all this harassment was over, the Nurse Practitioner walked in and began the exam. She pretty much asked the same exact questions and harassed me about my answers as well. The only difference is that she made sure to tell me how I am getting old and I should settle down if I want kids. A few thoughts always pop into my head with this in particular. First of all, I am settled down. I just happen to be single. There is a huge fucking difference. I am not out running the streets like a teenager experiencing The French Quarter for the first time. My next thought is that she must think I am uneducated on reproductive health based solely on my looks. Anyone who can read already knows the statistics on these subjects. And lastly, I always wonder why they never can accept that some people may not want or need a partner to have a kid. Louisiana is so progressive in certain areas and so behind the times in others. I called to make an appointment last year to discuss family planning. They told me to call back once I was pregnant. They must not have heard me say the “planning” part.
The NP informed me she needed to take an anal swab. Now call me crazy, but this literally never used to be a thing. I informed her that I don’t have anal sex and that if I can’t get laid in the #1 hole, I certainly am not letting someone stick it in the #2 hole. She said that was irrelevant, which I highly doubt. Nonetheless, I let her anally violate me. Who am I to question medical advances? Swab away.
As our exam concluded, I asked her for the big, dreaded, scary HIV test. I am one of those people that gets tested. If I am already there getting my asshole probed, you better believe I want to get my blood taken. She was horrified when I asked. This is something that has surprised me throughout the years. I should get a fucking lollipop and a sticker for wanting to get tested. Instead I got verbally reprimanded and again treated like a floozy. How on earth could I possibly want an HIV test if I never get laid??? I almost get defensive when this is turns into an issue. First of all, I was in the medical field for a million years and exposed to HIV + blood all the time… so, let’s just test my blood. Not to mention, there is nothing wrong with having consensual sex. So, test my fucking blood, you hillbilly.
After all was said and done, I had no Cancer or other cooties! I did get a cute little thing in the mail called a bill from the lab. It was for $500 and that was after my insurance paid their portion. Apparently, my testing was unnecessary according to them. For that I say FUCK OFF LOUISIANA AND BLUECROSS. Women should not be shamed for going to the Doctor for routine testing. A single man at 25 can go get Viagra and talk about his libido without being shunned. A woman should be able to get necessary testing without being harassed. I had hoped the younger generation would not have to experience the judgement by the time it became their turn. Sadly, I was dreaming. We fought the fight for nothing. And this is why I make my monthly donations to Planned Parenthood. Fuck all the judgy shit.